I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
