He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
