I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
