Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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