I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize