I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
time to smoke my breakfast
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
