she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
