True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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