When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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