well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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