If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
