and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize