Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
