Church boner. Awkwardddd
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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