Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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