I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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