So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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