I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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