if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
