you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
