There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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