God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
