do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize