is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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