So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
