Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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