So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
