my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
