Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize