THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Everyone says I win the strip club
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize