We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoofâ€
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