Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
