By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
