I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
