I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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