dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
