Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
