This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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