And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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