Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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