why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I could make wine with my vomit
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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