allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
