that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
