Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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