i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
is that a dick in a sweater?
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