I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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