I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
