Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
