I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
