i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
