why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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