i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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