I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
