I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
