I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
