i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
