My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
