wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
