My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize